Extra Credit
I appended this "Extra Credit" to the initial homework assigned to me. It was slightly out of scope, but it's still related: why am I drawn to some roles? What is their appeal to me? Like the initial homework it was comprised of bullet lists, but I'll expand upon these roles now.
Let's start with the easier one:
Being Submissive
In the right hands I feel cherished, safe, secure, and that allows me to relinquish control-- I don't wanna deal with making decisions, sometimes! I like letting someone else do that, and not having to choose eases my anxiety.
There's also the catharsis factor; I get to intensely feel things and release/exchange my energy. My favorite go-tos for this are impact play (thuddy, not stingy) and orgasm control (forced orgasms, especially).
And, admittedly not something I indulge in enough, is that I get to attend to someone's needs, sexual or otherwise. I'd love to pour you your beverage of choice, then worship you with my mouth while you drink it.
Over the years "being submissive" has split off into two particular flavors (well, three, if you include "toy"-- but it's summed up as simply "I like being toyed with," at least for now; I'll look into this one).
Pet
The first is "pet," because I am cute, dammit! Furthermore, in a overculture that breaks down Black people (and especially Black queer non-men), I deserve to be pampered and cared for. And I also just like being silly, with the biting and cute vocal stimming. Plus, the adorable outfits and accessories.
Brat
The second is something I'd like to explore more, and in retrospect I should've seen this one coming! I'm naturally contrarian ("Well, now I'm not gonna"). I enjoy being a smartass. I like annoying or befuddling people. Like most millennials, I chafe at authority. I like telling people "no" and being generally disobedient. And lastly, I do get a little thrill when one of my partners consensually punishes me with pulling my hair when I'm really out of pocket. I'm talking about being a "brat!"
Now let's talk about
Being (more?) Dominant
"Theoretically, I'm a Switch," I tease in person and online profiles. Sometimes, it just rolls that way... gently, softly, I lead the dance of intimacy. More likely, I get so worked up I forget about my crippling shyness; I feel brave enough to take charge. There was always this potential, that I could do... more?
Very recently, I did just that.
I admit, it was a little scary! And for someone who is constantly Paralyzed by Choice, it was daunting! I had my awkwardness and doubts, too-- "What if I wasn't a good Dom(me)? What if I screw up?" But perhaps the biggest feeling I felt was discomfort.
It wasn't because the scene was off-kilter, or the setting wasn't right, or that I didn't have the right partner. I was simply out of my comfort zone. I have been much more comfortable in the submissive role, and this was something new.
But, I still liked it. There's a thrill to have someone in my care ...or at my mercy! To be on the other side of the forward slash was an interesting feeling. My immediate thought was: "power." And there certainly is. But there's also something else when I tighten the wrist restraints: "trust." I may not feel like a good Dom(me) yet, but I like to think I am trustworthy for those who'd like to explore this with me.
And I know what kind of Dom(me) I want to be.
The Gentle Sort
I do not vibe with how domination is automatically equated to sadism, and the stereotypical degrading/mean/humiliating default just does not appeal to me. I'd rather be giving affirmations and skritches than spanks and punishments. I also love sensuality in general (it's part of my hedonism) and take delight in giving it as well. And I'd take any excuse to be a little mischievous at someone's expense.
I can't wait to work on this more.